You know the moment when you say something and you can feel the energy shift? Either you KNOW you said something and it came out wrong or you DON’T know exactly what you said but you know it was received poorly? Either way, there is that energy shift and that sudden awareness of pain you inflicted.
I get that sometimes. Which means I do that too often. Which means I am a b*tch. Or so I have been told in not so many words by my mother.
I made an apology to my mother (who I love). I knew something I said made her mad but I truly had no idea what it was. She clammed up in the middle of our conversation and gave me the cool shoulder (not too hard) the rest of the night. The next morning I found quiet time and let her know that I was aware that something I said upset her. That I was sorry for upsetting her and that I would never, ever want to make her sad or mad or cry. She let me know that even though I am a sweet and good person, I can be a cutting b*tch sometimes. That I am just “like that” and she has learned to live with it and accept that this is just a part of me. So instead of getting into it the night before, she chose to work around it and hold it all inside.
I went through a shift during that conversation. I chose to hear her words, get them inside of my skin and own them instead of blaming her for being too sensitive or not hearing me correctly. I didn’t defend but instead I wore her assessment to see how it fit. For the first time, I faced head on that well, yeah, I CAN be a b*tch and I do need to pay more attention to that side of myself.
I have decided to concentrate on two things. These will be my personal growth goals for 2016 and beyond.
- Awareness in advance. I am now slowing down and taking care to be as aware as possible to the conversation, who I am speaking with, and my tone/language/body language. I am holding off on comments until I am sure that whatever comes out of my mouth or body is appropriate to the situation and will not cause pain.
- Accepting and acknowledging when I fail at #1. Owning up as quickly as possible to the fact that I spoke or acted in error and making amends, if possible, so that my friends and family will not be left in a wake of negative feelings.
For me, #2 is harder than #1. I have practiced #2 many times this year which brought me to the conversation with my mom. I could not even begin to work on #1 without owning up to my actions in the first place. I try really hard to be a good soul. I am constantly evolving and growing and listening to my intuition. My mom did me the favor of cutting to the chase and raising my awareness to an area of personal growth that needs my attention the most. Thanks, Mom for calling me a b*tch :-).