For over a year I have known that there is something more for me. I have not put my finger on what this “something else” is. My Jerk Mind tries to put everything in order and says there are plenty of reasons for this feeling. 1. Your father died and you feel empty and need to make sense of this space that is left. 2. Your child left the house for college- you feel empty and need to make sense of the space that is left. 3. To date you have filled every minute with SOMETHING, even if it was not quality something, just to be moving and you are not used to empty space. My jerk Mind wants to tell me I’m just growing old and being less needed by others therefore I have this need to do something more.
Jerk Mind says space = the enemy.
As it turns out, this space is the thing that has rekindled a thought that I have long held although never expressed. There IS something more for me. And in that there is something more for others that I will touch. When I was young I had a sense and knowing that the universe is big and even so, I am special in it. Not in a “I am better than you” kind of way. More like I have something to give that will benefit others. A lot of others. I have always had the sense of connection with new and different. The creative in things. New is not scary. I am supposed to see and feel new, see and feel places and people. Those-others, poorer, richer, darker (you cannot get much lighter than me!), mean people, sweet people. Quite frankly, people down on their luck such as drug addicts, extremely poor and violent people. I have always been fascinated by what I have to learn from everyone and every place-the more polar opposite from me the better. I have a need to see these people because when I do I absorb them a little bit. The contact changes me and grows me and gives me a greater understanding of the world. Kinesthetic learning to an extreme? Who knows. I have always felt the weight of others (good or bad) and have always been able to read the mood of a room and people as well. Songs can send me skyrocketing up and down to the depths of my soul crying.
Because I had no formal study in anything like psychology or psychic/intuition, I had no idea this was happening to me and that others have the same plight. It really can be a plight to be a people person yet be subject to the ebbs and flows of others’ emotions. Your down is my down (x however many friends in the down mode at the time) and your up is my up (x however many friends in the up mode at the time).
I use a good defense because I am an adapter. A facade allows me to be standoffish and removed. This acts as a gate check and prevents some amount of emotional intrusion in my space. I keep busy, fill space so that I didn’t have time to float or get to know people deeper. Until now.
I remember a few specific moments of knowing. Of intuitive understanding of the situation. I experience it the most when I am the quietest, when there is space around me that allows me to tune in and listen. My mother has it too. This motherly instinct is like a laser and mostly accurate when imagination and worry are not allowed to enter the equation ;-). My gut instinct has ALWAYS been there (when I listen) and when I don’t I tell myself “You KNEW this was going to happen and you didn’t listen”.
So at any rate through meditation I am making huge strides in getting calm among other things. Getting quiet and allowing myself to have space is key. I have opened up free time to just be, without my Jerk Mind guilting me to get in the kitchen and clean that floor. Meditation offers me an understanding that I am called to express whatever this intuition and sensitivity is in me and to form that into something. The WHAT is what it killing me. And the length of time looking, poking, reading and learning is really dragging on.
My Jerk Mind needs an answer and needs it quick. Why are you spending hours alone on a pad not thinking- or vision traveling or trying to meet spirit guides? Drum meditations, essential oils- What the hell? Jerk Mind says “Get practical and move on. Do what you do best: real estate, organizing people behind causes and volunteering. You know how to do this and you dont have to stretch, grow or learn anything new. AND you wont see those sideways glances and eye rolls from friends and family when they start noticing this new you. It is EASIER to be who you are at 48 than to try new now.”
I almost quit. Just said this is a lark and a dead end and too much of nothing. I have become a more insightful person because of my meditation and study. I feel better each day but nothing more. Good night. BUT THEN. I went to see Judi McHugh who is a local card reader and as soon as I sat down she told me all that I need to know to inspire me to push on. Reading, healing and helping others is literally in my cards. She would not stop with this and got to the point of giving me pointers so when this manifests for me I will be doing it correctly. She said it is rare that she gets a person of spirit who comes to her and there was no other way that she saw my energy.
Her main point to me was to get my Jerk Mind our of the way, don’t over think it and don’t concern myself with what others will think or say. My family and friends will come along for the ride and anyone else, well, they have their own lives to live. So get to it!
I don’t see the future. I don’t get flashes of insight regarding upcoming tragedy or events. With more work I might be able to do so but I do know that I have a natural talent of intuition and sensitivity right now. This is my area of focus. In some way through all that I am learning on this journey I will know what to do with it all. It will become clear and feel right. I will trust my gut. In the meantime, I will get out of my way and let the future unfold- the journey is part of the fun.
Thank you for reading this and letting me put voice and form to my thoughts. What the mind can conceive, it can achieve (Napoleon Hill). Everything is a base essence first, a notion, a spark. Then it becomes a formed thought and can begin to be manifested. By sharing with you I have given this thought energy and form and committed myself to a new path no matter where that takes me. I have taken the leap, let go of the side of the pool, jumped into space.